Betrayal of a good friend, end of my parent’s marriage, death of my daughter, I was diagnosed to have a heart disease and my boyfriend packed up and went away were some of the numerous storms I’ve been through. (I’m gettin’ serious here dude!) I’ve been in a Catholic school all my life, but I was not growing up in my own spiritual way. Though I did pretty well in my classes ..still, I was not appreciated. And so, I learned to goof off by cutting classes and did some stupid things in the middle of a crappy day. It’s just that i belong to the real world. I would say..I had a lot of hurts growing up. I just couldn’t comprehend why I get the most hand-me-downs, I get the worst scolding and I was a battered daughter. As a result, my love for them turned into hatred!!! You know.. I did not have that gratifying moments with my parents…I mean….not that intimate. It’s just that, they always tell me I gave them heartaches…and blah..blah..blah..To them….I am a bloody black sheep!!! I communicated with them less and less, and eventually lost their trust. Well…. probably as the eldest, I was expected to be perfectly good. Maybe.. That’s how life works for me. I actually grew up with so much confusions, burdens, anguish, afflictions..which eventually stole my heart away. There were so many fears and apprehensions in my heart then. Though I know for myself I have a lot of gifts, I can do a lot of things and though I’d like to show it off. But the lack of self-confidence and inferiority complex is my biggest foe. And I hated it!! Indeed.. I’m afraid of being criticized and so, I build an imaginary wall for I became scared in allowing others to dig up the real me. I was as weak as a new calf and I had no reason to be fortunate and pleased. I tried to find my own place where I can belong and which I can call a home but I was directionless like sand that was blown by the wind. I was sulking and eventually slipped into total depression and gave in to temptation. I indulged in so many vices. I tried smoking and became a heavy drinker….drinking every kind of alcoholic beverage anyone can ever imagine. Then I slowly ventured to drug use. I started smelling the pungent aroma of marijuana and then escalated to shabu. Though the pleasure was short-lived but it actually gave me a sense of belongingness and yields satisfaction. I had an affair with someone who already has in own baggage. And even made my life more complicated when I fall for someone who did not share my conviction about pre-marital sex. And I believed we were into fornication. The worst thing..I had a relationship with a person of the same sex. GROSS! I fuckin’ hated it!! I had lots of heartbreaking experience that happened one after the other. And I’m used to ended up my days crying over spilled milk. It was indeed a very distasteful and traumatic experienced which truly brought me down in the dumps! I had even forgotten how to pray and I experienced dryness in my spiritual life. I could see my plans in life are not happening as I expected and all my dreams seem to be drifting away. I thought I would be at the end of my patience. But nevertheless, I still had a little hope of getting back what I really wanted and get out of the mess I was in now. Correct it and perhaps do better next time.* winks*