When I was young, I definitely don’t know any better.I guess this is the way things are, when I was still blind to so many realities. Sometimes some shot of scenes from my childhood flashed before me. And I came to realized life has’nt been that easy on me. Because I have lived in silence alone with my bitterness. Yet , I decided to keep it to myself bec. I did’nt want people to feel sorry for me. They are all filthy creatures, you know! Because in this pitiless world, it’s better to appear guilty than helpless. Papasito’s a brawny, impetuous man. A man who feels and thinks he’s almost close to perfection. In other words..he does’nt accept mistakes and he believes that “1st offense= acceptable..2nd offense=sentence to death!!!*laughs*How’s that for a tragedy?huh? Anywayzzz, the mere fact that he always hit me everytime he’s not satisfied with what I’m doin’ really gets on my nerves.( but I still love him..)usually I was tolerant but now I had no patience.(hehehehe)And there goes my ambitious mamasita. A criticizing, guilt-mongering control freak..(but I love her..).She hates me bec. I’m a worthless, exasperating “unwanted child”. On the contrary, they’re prayerful and angelic, perfect parents to some people bec. they’re into a religious community.Whatever! And I seemed to be the one who’s full of cruelty bec. I ended up living a worldly and sinful life. Sometimes I thought a sudden fit of self-pity about how everything gone wrong.. about what the hell is actually wrong with me..why people dig out dirt in my closest instead of cleanin’ up theirs…and why they would criticize what I’ve done based on what they hear instantly about me when they have’nt actually dig up the real me and all the things I’ve been through.It’s just obcene!!!But whichever it was, all I comprehend is…pain gnawed at my heart. And the worst thing they did to me. was to brand me a blacksheep.(you guys really wanna play rough huh?) You know the feeling of having been rejected was definitly the hardest thing to bear.This is actually something my parents did not understand. They did’nt even take an extra step to allow their hearts to feel the real me. Their daughter. You know, most of the time they make harsh accusations on me forgetting that they too make mistakes.They would pick on my faults and failures and talk about me negatively as if they were born perfect!! I know it’s nice to work at being better but I don’t think I need to show my good deeds to anyone.The need to be perfect in everyone’s eyes is just exhausting and does’nt make any sense at all!!It’s just that, I’m not a show off and there’s no need to brag anything about myself.There’s no need to pretend to be good just to get compliments from people. And what they failed to see is that in my own little way, I was trying to be perfect for them. Instead., they always spend time looking at my faults and weaknesses. They always filled me with indescent words that was abusive treating me like a lesser person.But somehow, I guess I’m used to it.I guess I really have to struggle in the hands of my own blood.The style of discipline applied by my parents is just ironic.THis is exactly the only kind of thing I have in mind now. But somehow. I thought for once I wanted to know what it felt like to be appreciated. Because all my life I’ve been swamped with a lot of negative words and gossip which inflicted a lot of painful trauma in me. Nevertheless, in some ways I was tougher than I had been before. I guess!!??Though I admit that the only form of emotional release I have was crying. But in a way, it felt good and somehow I thought there’s got to be more than one reason why God allowed this to happen. Though I always hated to be manipulated but I realized that there’s no better way to live a satisfying life but to smile and try to have a happy thought in my heart!!!
Labels: life
